mistakes made in preparation for a 30 day adventure
T- 30 through 7:
who can remember, really, the things we do to fuck our future selves
The act of making to-do list seem seminal to success, although clearly, they are mere distractions. Means to propel you closure to departure with no sense of calm; no palpable resolve.
No chance to succeed.
The progression into madness is a plain one, but it’s terror no less real than say, succumbing to the lure of a ledge.
or perhaps just numbingly practical,
the days proceed without concession.
Packed & ready to go: 70%
Estimated time to completion: 6-8hrs
*favorite rediscovered lists:
- Lists needed for departure
- List for packing (list item no.1: make a list)
- List of people to see before leaving
- List of people to cancel seeing before departure
There are no memories for those missing days.
It’s possible there was illness
or other distractions
but none of it has stuck.
Except the lists.
Now with addendums painted in yellow & blue, precariously affixed to wearing paper; folded & unfolded; condemned unto the depths of the laptop bag.
Packed & ready to go: 60%
Estimated time to completion: 9- 36hrs
A mild panic seems to be building between the larax & where tonsils once lived.
And within an hour this panic can be given no name, as there is no voice with which to push it out.
Cancellations of events that were on all lists becomes enevitable.
Sleep sends his regards as well.
Packed & ready to go: 70%
Estimated time to completion: 3-6hrs
A jolt of panic & joy as my lists & satellite confirmed data reveals
there are still 2 remaining days until departure.
Stress decides to make a mistress of insomnia.
Packed & ready to go: 80%
Estimated time to completion: 8hrs
T-2; part deux
Mad packing exposes the truth known all along,
lite packing & month long travel is something one must practice.
Post-it notation records this knowledge for prosperity,
or until such point that this page in the book of list is purged in a much needed catharsis.
Possibly involving fire.
Packed & ready to go: 30%
Estimated time to completion: 36-40hrs
Giant bag acquired
for real this time
All sense of time & place seem incongruent
perhaps in no small part to the escalation of every & all list items.
After catatonic state wears through
new zen like resolve sets in.
The lists are now infallible;
and so they must be ignored
they do not reflect what is now so clear.
There is nothing that cannot be undone
so what is done
And based on this stellar deduction
It will all work out.*
Packed & ready to go: 90%
Estimated time to completion: meh
*This discovery found at the bottom of a cheap pinot.
And as we all know
the cheaper the wine,
the more disastrous the falsities.
but, bullish, pollyanna-ized philosophical bullshit aside,
and reluctantly I will admit,
one bit of that bastardized zen nonsense proves true…
There is nothing to be done about it now.
Packed & ready to go: Already gone